Hiatus

I'm going to stop writing the blog for the time being.

It seems like no one reads this thing. Also, I'm spending a lot more time planning out my move these days.

Perhaps I'll pick up again later.

-Kaizen

Making Eye Contact

On Friday I stopped at a coffee shop on the way home from work. After a bit of small talk with the (male) cashier, I got my drink and sat down at a table and began reading a book. Soon afterward, an attractive woman walked in the door. I looked up and our eyes met. I noticed that I quickly looked away to avert my gaze. There was clearly some kind of self-limiting belief at work.

How could I challenge it? I decided to play a game. I would try to make eye contact with the next five women that walked through the door. If our eyes met, I would give her a quick smile just to see what she would do.

2 paid no attention to me.
1 stared blankly at me.
2 smiled back at me (1 of whom took a second look at me on her way out the door).

This stuff is getting fun...

Kaizen's Walk of Shame

I have an intense avoidance of being the center of attention and looking foolish. So I decided that I would put on the most hideously mis-matched outfit I could think of and walk around my neighborhood and see how people reacted to me. I dug through my closet and put on:

-A stocking cap
-A pair of 1/2-inch thick "super-nerd" glasses
-A bright red dress shirt with one sleeve rolled up
-A yellow T-Shirt over the dress shirt with a picture of two people getting married and the phrase "BIG MISTAKE" written on it
-One weightlifting glove
-A pair of grey shorts
-A rainbow belt
-One white sock
-One black sock
-One white tennis shoe
-One black dress shoe

I was truly a travesty to behold. A walking fashion disaster!

Before I left, I could hear my self-limiting beliefs acting up. "Are you retarded? Why are you doing this? How is this supposed to get you more dates? Can't you just not do this and say you did? People will think you're insane!"

I sat inside my front door staring at it. After a few minutes I worked up the courage to open it up and walk outside. I closed the door and I could feel my anxieties shoot up through the roof. Were people looking at me? I could feel imaginary eyes all over peering at me.

I cautiously put one foot in front of the other and started walking. Eventually I saw a man walking toward me. "Here we go," I said to myself. I instinctively lowered my head so he couldn't see my glasses and put my hands in my pockets so he couldn't see my odd glove. But then I realized I still had on my mis-matched socks and shoes, my rainbow belt, and my blatantly anti-marriage T-shirt. There was no hiding from this. I felt fear surge through my body.

Surprisingly, he walked by without saying a word to me.

I kept it up, and after about half an hour, I actually started enjoying it. I found myself looking for increasingly "risky" situations to put myself in. I walked past a group of people talking on the sidewalk, a couple out walking their dogs, and finally a busy street with lots of pedestrians.

I was disappointed. No one said anything to me or pointed out my odd clothing. After about an hour of trying to get a reaction out of people, I walked home defeated. No one had noticed me.

What a strange transformation! I started out scared to death, but then that feeling of fear somehow turned into a feeling of excitement! Maybe I'll go out again in my special outfit and try approaching people next time...

I'm a Slacker--An Update

Okay...Okay. I've been totally slacking on this blog lately. Let me try to catch up here.

I've been on two more dates with Capri Pants. She's been a bit unavailable lately due to her school and work situation. The dates went okay. I didn't have any opportunity to isolate her and escalate. I'm going to try again this week. I've noticed that she hasn't been opening up to me fully. I'm not really sure why that is, but it makes it hard to have a decent conversation with her. Maybe I'll just ask her about it next time I see her.

I went on another date with Long Hair too. That went pretty well and we teased and bantered and flirted a lot. I really like Long Hair...She opens up to me and plays and has fun with me. She's out of the country right now on a bit of a vacation, so I haven't seen her in a while though.

Blurting - Finally "Getting It"

I need to write about my date at the museum with Capri Pants, but it is late now and I am getting tired. I will try to find time to do that tomorrow.

I wanted to write a quick observation though before I went to bed.

I'm not sure how it happened, but something "flipped the switch" and I'm now a blurting machine! Everywhere I go I find myself sponaneously saying random things and opening up strangers. I think I've done seven or so blurts so far this week--up from my usual of zero.

They'll respond in some way. If they answer back positively, I'm finding that I'm not as quick on my feet as I would like to be when it comes to thinking up clever ways to respond to them and banter with them. But I know that this is just another skill to be learned. I remember Kory from Charisma Arts once said something like, "Learning to think on your feet takes practice. First you can't think of how to respond. Then a good response comes to you a few days later. The next time, it comes to you a few hours later. The next time it comes to you a few minutes later. The next time it comes to you in the moment, but you don't say it. Then finally, it comes to you in the moment and you say it." So, I know I'll get better with practice.

So, by Dr. Glover's book, I'm doing level one pretty well. Level two could use some work. It's only a matter of time before everything else just starts flowing. Once I can get someone to commit to having a conversation, I tend to relax and have fun.

So with that, I'll log off now and get some shut-eye. Here's to a fun day of blurting tomorrow!

The Return of Capri Pants

Well, I had officially written off Capri Pants. I figured I would probably never hear from her again.

She replied to my e-mail. She said her life has been pretty hectic lately and apologized again for canceling our last two dates. She gave me a list of times that she's available this week (unfortunately none of them work for me). She also invited me to go to the re-opening of the Seattle Art Museum with her and a "friend from school" this weekend.

Now as someone who has had a near 100% success rate of ending up in the "friend zone" in the past (due to Nice Guy tendancies), this shot up some intense red flags. It's the only time I can see her though, so I'm just going to go along with this for now and see if there's still any interest on her part. Who knows what's going on--maybe she's inviting me to go with her friend to keep things from getting too romantic...maybe she's inviting me to go with her friend to get her friend's opinion of me...maybe her friend is really her boyfriend and she wants to make me suffer...maybe her friend is really some creepy guy that she's trying to scare off by introducing him to "the guy that she's seeing" (me). I don't know. The only way to find out is to go and test. No matter what happens I'll learn something from this.

I can't believe I'm going to do this...I feel almost dirty going on a date with a girl and her friend.

A Fun Date-That-Never-Was with Long Hair

So, on our last date, Long Hair insisted on buying me ice cream at some point because my birthday was coming up.

Yesterday I was at work and one of my co-workers sent out an e-mail that said that Baskin Robbins was selling ice cream for 31 cents a scoop all day for some kind of charity. Now, I thought this could be a fun coincidence, so I called up Long Hair.

I got her voice mail and left her this message, "N___, I have the most important thing ever to tell you! This could change the fate of our lives forever! I received word today...that Baskin Robbins is selling ice cream today only for 31 cents a scoop. Call me if you get this message in time...You might get off the hook cheap!"

No reply that night.

Today I get off work and I get a call from her on the way home. She thanked me for the call and for "watching her back for ice cream alerts." We chatted for a few minutes while I finished walking home. It was a fun little experience.

So, moral of the story: Be fun. Don't take things too seriously. Be spontaneous. Trust your first instincts.

PS: Long Hair will be out of town this weekend, so I probably won't be writing about her for a bit.

Long Hair and a Self-Limiting Belief Eruption

This weekend, Long Hair and I went to a museum. It was a good exhibit, but I guess her and I just get along too well--I had a hard time keeping quiet and looking at the exhibits. I just wanted to talk with her.

They kicked us out of the museum at 5:00 when it was closing time. We took a quick stroll through a park and then we got some dinner at a nearby restaurant. It's really amazing how much easier things become if you just take the lead and guide the woman along.

We went back to my place and watched a DVD in my room afterward...

She is too much fun. We get along a little too well. I'm really going to miss her when we both have to split up and go our separate ways. I feel kind of guilty beginning things in what should be a time of endings.

It's a self-limiting belief, I know. I'll have to bring it up with Dr. Glover this week. How can I keep trying to date these women when I'll be moving out of state in two months? It all seems so pointless.

On the other hand, I know it's not about the women. It's about mastering my own mind so I can become a better man that lives the life I want no matter where I live. Still, I'm afraid I'll hurt them...like it's some kind of cruel joke or something.

Letting Capri Pants Go

I made a date to see Capri Pants this weekend. She canceled on me at the last minute. She said they called her into work to do a lunch shift.

She is authentically a very busy girl, I know. But maybe she has low-interest too. I mean, she refused my kiss, then she cancels two dates. She was very apologetic and expressed interest in seeing me again though.

I sent her an e-mail:

Hi R___,

I'd like to see you again sometime, but it seems like you're too busy these days. If you get some free time, let me know. You know how to get a hold of me.

Take Care,
C___

So, I guess this could be the last I'll be writing about Capri Pants. Too bad. She was cute. Sometimes you have to be willing to walk away though.

The ball is in her court...

Mall Date with Long Hair

I feel bad about making Long Hair drive up to visit me all the time, so I met her at a shopping mall in her town on Sunday. She was wearing flip-flops, a skirt and a pink blouse.

We both had a really good time. We started by walking around the mall and she showed me all the stores. We went into a clothing store so I could get some warm-weather clothes for my move to Arizona. She helped me pick out some clothes with her sharp feminine eye. We both have a similar taste in fashion.

This week I've been practicing blurting and bantering with people everywhere I go. I had a good blurt with one of the checkout girls at the department store. I was buying a Jack the Ripper T-shirt with fake blood splatters on it.

Me: Hi. How are you doing?
Cashier: Pretty good.
Me: This shirt has blood on it. Do I get a discount?
Cashier: (rolls her eyes and smiles) Maybe if it was real blood.

That was fun! After that, Long Hair and I had lunch in the mall then we looked at a few more stores, got our picture taken at one of those photo booth things, and got ice cream. We had a really good time and had some good conversations. I did a little flirting too. Even though we've already had sex, there was still some anxiety about verbalizing sexual interest. I did a good job taking the lead through the date. I always had my doubts about "mall dates" but now I know that they can be pretty damn fun!

I like hanging out with her. She's really easy to talk to. I don't have to memorize topics to talk about with her before our dates in case the conversation dies out. I just have to show up and open my mouth. Somehow I seem to just say the right things and the conversation keeps flowing naturally. She's pretty good at bantering herself.

I'll miss her when I'm gone.

Gaging Capri Pants' Interest

I asked Capri Pants to go check out an art gallery with me last Saturday. On Friday, she called me:

Me: Hi, Capri Pants. What's up?
Her: Hi, Kaizen. How are you?
Me: Great! It's Friday and I just got off work. I'm about to meet up with some friends to hang out. So what's going on?
Her: Well, I'm just about to go into work and--
Me: Work? Boo! That's no fun.
Her: (giggles) I just wanted to tell you that they changed my work schedule so I have to work on Saturdays now and I can't go to the gallery with you tomorrow.

("Great," I think to myself, "she's trying to let me down easily...hoping I'll take the hint.")

Her: I don't have to work on Sunday, but I really need to study for school that day.

("She's trying to wall me out of her schedule. So this is what rejection feels like. Huh...maybe Dr. Glover is right...rejection doesn't hurt at all. Granted, I'm not jumping up and down in excitement, but it doesn't hurt.")

Me: Studying on Sunday? What are you thinking? Why don't you just have some fun and flunk out of school like I did?" (this is funny because I'm going to graduate school--I'm obviously not a moron)
Her: (Laughs) No I can't. I'm really far behind on school. I only have one free day every week. But I have next Sunday free. I'd really like to go to this gallery with you.

("Well, you can't get more obvious than that. That's a sign of high interest.")

Me: Next Sunday, huh? That could work. I'll have to check and get back to you on that.
Her: Okay.
Me: Well, it sounds like you need to get to work, so I'll let you go.
Her: All right.
Me: I'll call you later.
Her: Okay. Bye.
Me: Bye.

A Rejected Kiss

Capri Pants and I went to a museum to look at some art. I picked her up at her place. I greeted her with a kiss on the cheek and a hug. The museum was fun. We traded quick comments back and forth as we looked at things. The sound of her heels *clopping* on the museum floor really turned me on for some reason.

Afterward I decided that we needed to get some dinner. I found an Italian restaurant and we ate there. The conversation wasn't as smooth as it could have been. I am really afraid of running out of things to talk with her about. She's really shy and doesn't open up very easily. I suppose the screaming kid at the next table didn't help the situation too much. At the end she insisted on paying for her meal. The whole dinner wasn't as terrible as it sounds though. It went all right. I'd give it a "B."

As I am driving her home, we start talking about her artwork. I say, "You need to show me your artwork sometime." As I'm pulling into her parking lot, she invites me up to her place to show me her art. That's a sign of intrest!

I go up with her and she shows me around. We talk about her paintings for a bit. Then we end up sitting on her couch. She shows me a magazine article and I pull her close to me so we can both look at it. I leave my hand on her waist.

When we're done with the magazine, I put it down. Our eyes lock. I think to myself, "I need to kiss her. I have to take the lead." I am terrified, but I keep thinking of all the high intrest things that she did--giving me her phone number, returning my calls, inviting me up to her place. I pull her in to kiss her on the lips. I feel her body tense up and become rigid. She says, "I'm sorry..." and turns her head so I only kiss her cheek.

The awkward moment quickly fades back into some light conversation. I take my hand off her waist. In the back of my mind, I'm thinking "I must have grossly mis-read this situation. What do I do now? I should probably leave as soon as possible."

I get up to use the bathroom. It is impeccably clean and stylish--just like the rest of her place. When I come out. She has moved to the dining room and has turned on some upbeat jazz music. We chat for a bit more. Then I say, "Well, I need to be going."

She insists on walking me to my car. She gives me a hug good bye. I hug her, but choose not to kiss her on the cheek. I say good bye without any reference to seeing her again. As I'm driving away, she is waving at me.

I am confused for the rest of the day. She gave me her number...we went out a few times...she invited me up to her place...what did she think I was going to do?!? I'm going to do what a man does and try to escalate things! Good grief!

----------------------------------------------------

The next day, Capri Pants calls me. I aswer the phone.

"Hi, Capri Pants."
"Hi Kaizen. How are you?"
"Good. I just got back from the store. I got some art supplies and I'm about paint something."
"That's nice. Um...about last night. I'm sorry. I guess I just don't feel like I know you well enough yet."
"I understand. You can't blame a guy for trying, though. So what are you up to today?"
"I'm about to go into work. My two hour break is just about over."
"Hmm...work. Well, I'll let you go then."
"Okay."
"Don't have too much fun at work."
She giggles, "Okay. I'll try. Have fun painting."
"Talk to you later, Capri Pants."
"Good bye."

And that is where things stand. I wish I had added something like, "Thanks for calling me, by the way. I'm sure that took a lot of courage." Oh well, we can't think of everything on the spot.

Maybe she doesn't know me well enough. Who knows. It's not my job to figure out why. All I know is "I don't know you well enough" was the best reason she could come up with after she had a day to think about why she didn't kiss me. I'm going to take her call as a sign of high interest and continue to persue this.

We'll see where things go from here...

Long Hair Update

So Long Hair and I went to a movie last week. It was good. I put my arm around her while the movie was playing and pulled her close to me. She seemed to like that pretty well because she rested her head on my shoulder.

Afterward we went back to my place and we had sex. It was pretty good. This was the first time I'd had sex in over a year--since my last girlfriend broke up with me. It feels good to let go of that mental burden...that the last girl I had sex with was about to get married to some other guy...that she had moved on and I was still stuck. Maybe it's strange but I feel like I'm finally 100% free from my ex.

Afterward, Long Hair and I talked for a long time and cuddled and kissed some more. She has a really nice body! And she's fun to talk with as well. I like her. This could be a very fun summer :)

Moving to the Desert

I've been dragging my feet with updating this blog lately. I've had a lot on my mind.

I accepted my admission the Arizona State University for this fall. I'll be moving down to Tempe near the end of July. I'll need to find an apartment by August 1st and school starts on August 20th.

Strange. I really wanted to move, but now that I'm starting to put down some roots here I'm actually starting to feel sad about moving and leaving everyone behind.

I'll miss this place when I'm gone. Maybe I'll move back when all this school stuff is said and done.

More on My Fate and My Friends

I haven't seen Long Hair or Capri Pants this week. I've been busy lately...I finally heard from the last of the grad schools I applied to. Now I'm just crunching all the facts and trying to make my final decision. Most likely, I'll be moving to Phoenix to attend Arizona State University. I'm kind of excited but also a little disappointed that I didn't get into UCLA or Berkeley. I don't know a whole lot about Phoenix as a city...I hope it's cool and fun.

Anyway, yesterday I sent out an e-mail to all of my friends and aquaintances (maybe about 12 people total) inviting them to meetup for happy hour after work on Wednesday. We'll see how that goes. Usually no one responds positively aside from one or two people. Sometimes I get frustrated because none of my friends ever want to do anything fun. They just reply with something lame like "Sorry...I have an important TV show to watch that night." I guess this is how people grow apart...

Tesing For Interest With Capri Pants

So I've been keeping this idea of testing for interest on my mind lately.

Capri Pants and I were playing phone tag for a few days last week. I call her and get voice mail. She calls me back and leaves a message (high interest). Finally I figure I need to end this game of phone tag and I decide to steal a page from my friend's playbook. I call her and I get her voice mail. I tell her to meet me at a museum at 4:00 on Sunday if she can; if not call me back so I know not to expect her and then we'll figure out some other time to meet up.

She calls me on Saturday and tells me that she can't meet me on Sunday. She just got a job as a waitress and between that and school she's very busy. (Great, I think to myself, she's trying to tell me she's too busy to see me and let me down easy--low interest) Then she hints that she might have some free time earlier on Sunday. (Okay, maybe I'm wrong--high interest) I'm busy at that time though, so I just tell her to e-mail me her schedule for the week, which she does (high interest).

I arrange for us to grab a drink after she gets out of school yesterday. She calls me a few times that evening to update me on when she thinks her class will get out (high interest). I meet her after class. She's wearing heels and a casual, yet low-cut shirt--not really the kind of thing you'd usually be wearing to school (high interest). I give her a hug and a kiss on the cheek (I didn't chicken out this time).

We sit down and start talking. She's very subtle and not very playful with the conversation. I think that's just how she is though and not a sign of low interest. I tried being extra silly and ridiculous to try and get her to be more playful...I got some laughs but that's about it. She's just a very shy and reserved girl, I guess. Although she did keep hinting that she is free on Saturday (high interest). The conversation went well. No long, awkward silences; good connection; upbeat and fun over all.

We lose track of time and leave around 11:30. She usually takes the bus home from school, so I offer to give her a ride since it's late. I let her in the car and we take off. We talk a bit more on the way back. She directs me back to her place. I pull into the parking lot around midnight. We hug and say good bye. As she's getting out, she keeps telling me "good bye" and "I'll talk to you later" over and over again--like maybe three or four times (high interest). Then as I'm turning the car around to leave, I notice that she keeps turning around to wave at me (high interest). She takes a few steps toward the door, then turns and waves, then takes a few more steps...

I'd say it went pretty well. I'm beginning to realize though that this girl is very passive and if I'm going to take this anywhere I'll need to be very good and confident in taking the lead and setting the tone.

Things Get Hot and Heavy...and Why I Hate My Roommates

Long Hair and I went out this weekend. We had fun and at the end of the night, she dropped me off back at my place. I invited her in to watch a DVD with me.

Now my room is in the basement of the house we're renting and the washing machine and dryer are in my room. At about 12:00 BMW and his girlfriend arrive home and the next thing you know:

*knock* *knock*
Kaizen: Uh...yeah?
BMW: Can I come in? I need to grab a load of laundry?
Kaizen: No. This will have to wait till tomorrow.
BMW: Come on! My sheets are in there.
Long Hair: *giggles*
BMW: Hey is that a girl in there with you? Look, I'll cover my eyes...I won't look. I need to get my sheets so I can get laid tonight just like you.
(Both BMW's girlfriend and Long Hair start giggling nervously)
Kaizen: Okay, fine. Just make it quick.
(BMW barges in and grabs his sheets from the dryer)
BMW: Thanks. Hey would you mind if I take a load of laundry from the washer and put it in the dryer?
Kaizen: That's not going to work. Wait till tomorrow.
BMW: Come on. I need my softball clothes dried for the game tomorrow morning.
Kaizen: Dude! At no point should your weekend plans be dependent on you barging into my room at midnight to change over a load of laundry!
BMW: Okay. Okay. I'll do it tomorrow morning...(turns to Long Hair) Oh by the way, I'm BMW.
Long Hair: I'm Long Hair.
(BMW leaves with his sheets)
Kaizen: Sorry about that, Long Hair...

New House Rule: If your laundry is in my room after 9:00, your clothes are spending the night with me. Deal with it!

(God, I can't wait to move out of this place)

After that embarrassing moment, Long Hair and I finished the DVD. My arm around her shoulders. Her head resting on my shoulder. As the credits roll, I gaze into her eyes. I realize I should kiss her. My sexual shame acts up, but I say to myself, "Fuck it. You've come this far. Just kiss her."

I go for it. Next thing you know we're making out. I don't want this to become some kind of erotica blog, but basically I took off her shirt and bra, but she wouldn't let me take off her pants. I could theorize about why, but bottom line is: She had very high interest in me, but she had even higher interest in not having sex that night. She didn't seem offended or mad or anything. It was a warm and understanding "no." I played it cool and went back in and kissed and caressed her some more. After a while I realize that this isn't going anywhere that night and I say, "But I suppose you probably need to get home tonight."

She replies, "Unfortunately, I do."

We kiss a bit more. There's still a lot of sexual tension between us. Then we get dressed and I walk her to her car. We kiss good bye.

Well, I figure I did a good job. I got her all hot and bothered. If nothing else, she'll be thinking about that all week. Next time I see her she'll probably be ready to pin me down and rape me :)

We sent a few flirty text messages back and forth the next day or two, so I know it's still on.

Making New Friends

So, on Monday I made two new friends. After my roommate (BMW) and I finished our workout at the gym, he asks me if I would like to grab a drink at a happy hour event that some of his coworkers are meeting at to celebrate one of them that just quit the company.

I agree to go and we arrive at the bar a few blocks down the street. My roommate and I end up talking to the girl that just quit and her boyfriend. One thing I'm beginning to notice is that us guys tend to talk about really boring things...real estate...computers...engineering...the stock market...If you pay attention you can see the women's eyes glaze over in boredom.

So I tried steering the conversation to something more fun. "So, why did you quit?" She gives me some answer about career growth or whatever. "Don't give me your politically correct reason. You don't work there anymore. Give me all the dirt! You just couldn't stand working with this guy anymore, huh? [I reach over and give BMW a little nudge]"

That worked! Her eyes light up. She engages back into the conversation. Her and BMW started telling us all their funny office stories. It's pretty amazing how much something small and simple like that can really change the whole tone of a conversation.

Anyway, I exchange business cards with her before we part that night.

The next day I sent her a quick e-mail: "Hey L___! It was fun meeting you and your boyfriend S___ last night. We'll have to hang out again sometime soon. Oh! and good luck on your new job!"

So I guess I made two new friends, which I haven't done in awhile. Her and her boyfriend like Mexican cooking, so I'll call them Salsa Girl and Salsa Boy.

A Coffee Date with Capri Pants

I arranged to meet Capri Pants at a tea house in an old historic building in town on Sunday. I got there early and took a quick lap around the block to pull myself together and get into a good chatty mood.

I walk through the front door ten minutes early. As soon as I enter, I see Capri Pants waving at me with a big smile on her face. She is wearing a black coat with jeans and a pair of white high-heel shoes. She is wearing makeup and lipstick as well as fancy dangly earrings. I feel strange thinking that such an attractive woman went to the trouble of putting on makeup just to see me. I go up to her and she sticks out her hand to shake mine...I blow past that and give her a warm hug (taking the lead). I thought about giving her a kiss on the cheek european-style, but I chicken out.

Her and I go up to the counter and I order a pot of tea for us as we exchange pleasantries. We sit down and get into a conversation. She is a bit shy and reserved, so I had to work a little harder than usual. I got her to open up a bit and did a few flirty things. After a few minutes she takes off her coat. She is wearing a very nice black blouse. She leans in toward me. I must be captivating her.

I tried a push/pull just for the fun of it:

Kaizen: I hate to tell you this...(pause)...but you're making me into a liar.
Capri Pants: What do you mean?
Kaizen: Last week I told you that I've never been to a musical. Well, here I am about to go to one tonight.
Capri Pants: No way! Which one?

(The conversation turns to musicals and such...)

Okay...maybe not the best push/pull, but I'm still learning.

After about an hour or so I get the sense that I'll be running out of things to talk about soon. We are just about out of tea. I pour her a final cup from our now-empty pot. I keep the conversation going a bit longer. I figure I'll leave when she finishes the last of her tea. She must have been reading my mind or something because she wasn't touching her tea.

Finally I decide to end it and I say something like, "Well, I need to be leaving. I have to get ready for the musical tonight." We stand up. She downs the last of her tea in one final gulp.

I walk her to her car. She thanks me for buying the tea. I promise to tell her about the musical. We hug again. She doesn't try the handshake this time. I chicken out again with the kiss.

Overall, I'd say it was a pretty good coffee date. I ended it at the right time while the conversation was still going pretty well. I found out some good interests of hers. I need to get past this whole kissing thing that's holding me up though.

That night, after the musical I went to, I sent her a quick text message: "Hey, it was fun talking with you today. We'll have to do this again sometime. I need to tell you about the musical too..."

Now I need to think of something else to do with her.

Oh, this is Date #2 in my 12 in 12 challenge.

Update on Long Hair and Ideas on Working a Party as an Introvert

Well, I've been very busy lately. I have a lot to post about, so I'll try to get all that up in the next few days.

A mutual friend of Long Hair and I had a party last weekend in my home town. Long Hair and I met up before the party and had dinner at a Mexican restaurant I used to go to a lot back in high school. We had some good conversation over dinner about our high school experiences.

After that we went to the party. Due to the speedy service at the restaurant, we got to the party early. At the beginning of the party, I was very fun and sociable. But as the party wore on I started to shut down a bit more.

I'm beginning to realize that I truly am an introvert. I think the best strategy for going to a party is to start out high-energy and fun. Then as the party goes on, I should try to isolate myself with one or two other people and get into a more in-depth conversation. That way, as my energy starts to fade, I can shift to making a more meaningful connection with a few select people. This is the way for an introvert like me to effectively work a party or social situation.

Anyway, the party didn't break up into separate groups of people--just one big group of people telling loud, lewd stories. So I don't feel like I was keeping up as the night wore on. Also, since the party didn't break into a series of small groups, I couldn't really isolate Long Hair either to make out with her or anything like that. I just had to settle for banter and some innocent touching.

I also did a half-assed SOI. Long Hair took off a flower tiara thing she was wearing and put it on my head. I knew that if I kept it there, I would be giving her the frame. So I took it off my head and put it back on her saying, "You can't put that on me! Besides, it looks much cuter on you." Argh!!! Sexy...the word is SEXY. Well, at least I spit it out even if I didn't do it properly.

But at least I learned my lesson. It looks like I'll have another shot this weekend. We're going to be doing some stuff on Saturday. I suggested she bring one of her favorite DVDs over so we can watch it together. We'll see how that goes.

Oh, and this was Date #1 in my 12 in 12 challenge.

12 in 12

Good grief! Now I've done it!

At my therapy group, I committed to the "12 in 12" challenge. Go on 12 dates in 12 weeks with 12 different women just to practice dating. I can think of 2 girls I can date--Long Hair and Capri Pants--but other than that, I have no idea where I'll meet 10 other girls...

"But, Kaizen," you may say, "how will this be different from all those other 'committments' you've made in the past that you've given up on?" Well, I've actually made the committment to real, physical people...not just a few anonymous names on the internet. Giving up on this will be a lot harder...but that's good, because I need to push myself.

So...here goes nothing. You can join me too, if you have the inclination.

(What have I gotten myself into...)

Accepting Invitations

I remember a long time ago, I was feeling lonely and I heard some good advice: You'd be surprised how many people actually invite you to do things with them. We're just used to turning people down because we're too judgmental of them or because we're too enamored with our own loneliness. For the next week or month (I can't remember which it was) accept every offer that someone makes you...even if you don't particularly like them.

When that dweeby guy in accounting asks you if you'd like to run down to the deli with him at lunch, take him up on it.

Next time your shut-in friend asks you to come over and play Xbox with him, take him up on it.

The point is to get you out doing things. Miracles happen when you're out in the real world, not watching TV at home. Who knows, maybe that guy in accounting has a hot sister. Also just getting out and socializing gets you used to interacting with other people and you can begin to hone your social skills in a fairly safe setting.

This is something I've adopted a few years ago. Now it's more or less ingrained into me. I've developed a new belief, which is that I can do everything and attend every event. Sure, it sometimes takes a little strategic juggling, but it has helped me become more social. My apologies to Nancy Reagan, but "JUST SAY YES!"

Phone Anxiety and Fear Management

So, I figure I had to call Capri Pants...the only problem is I have intense phone anxiety. For some reason making calls is hard for me to do...not just to girls, but anyone I don't know very well.

I tried some of the sage advice out there and called up a good friend of mine, the Musician, to get into a talkative mood before I called her. I shot the shit with him for a bit. We had some good fun.

Then I called up Long Hair to schedule a date with her (Hell, I might as well call both girls while I'm at it). Calling her was pretty easy since I was so focused on calling Capri Pants. I got her voice mail though so I'll have to call her back later.

By now I was feeling pretty good. I was a little scared still but not so much. I called Capri Pants and we chatted for a minute or two and then I set up a coffee date for Sunday. She was pretty giggly. I wonder if she was nervous...

The thing I noticed is that calling Long Hair was easy because my fear was distracted by something I thought was bigger. So I think the way to work around this is to figure out a way to stack the deck so there's something bigger than calling a girl to worry about. Maybe decide that after you call a girl, you're going to march into your boss' office and ask for a raise. Or call her up right before you have to give some kind of important speech. Just decide to do something that you feel more fear toward...then act. This will distract your fear so you're not focusing so much fear on the other things you need to do.

Give it a try!

Assignment: Blurting

One thing that I learned last summer when I was first getting over my shyness, is that it's okay to just open up your mouth and let out all those silly thoughts bouncing around in your head. This was really the first mental barrier that I broke through.

It's okay to tell someone with a cool T-shirt, "Hey, that's a cool T-shirt."

It's okay to see someone carrying a big box and say, "So, what's in the box?"

It's okay to overhear a bit of a conversation and say, "I don't mean to eavesdrop, but I couldn't help but hear that you work at XYZ."

I don't know if this kind of thing has any sort of cute-sy PUA name or not, but I'm just going to call it "blurting." So my assignment for this week is to practice blurting whenever a situation presents itself--also continue saying "hello" to three people a day. Living in isolation for the autumn and winter has really atrophied my social skills.

Capri Pants

I went to a party at a friend's condo last night. I ended up somehow talking to a really attractive girl. Physically, she is my absolute ideal woman! She seemed pretty shy and reserved, so I couldn't easily tell if she was interested or not. I got her to tell me some of her life stories. English is not her first language, so she seemed to get a little confused whenever I tried to take the conversation in a silly, flirty direction.

Anyway, people start leaving as the night rolls on. Her and I are the last two guests there. We get up and say good bye to the host. As we're leaving the building, I offer to walk her to her car. She politely declines.

So as we're standing in front of the building about to part ways, I notice she's lingering a bit longer than people normally do when they say good bye. I started to get a thought: "She's probably waiting for me to ask for her phone number, but what if..."

Before I could finish that thought with some kind of limiting belief, I found myself reaching into my pocket and pulling out my cell phone. Then I open my mouth and somehow the following words fall out: "It was really fun talking with you tonight, R____. We should hang out sometime. What's your number?"

She gives me her number. I call the number on the spot and her purse starts to ring (Not a fake number!). "There. Now you have my number too," I add. We go through how to spell each others' names and we part.

I was so shocked that I actually pulled that off that I was literally shaking with excitement on the drive home.

The thing is...after I did this...looking back at all the women I've met over the past year since I became single, I feel a bit frustrated. They were all into me...They were just waiting for me to MAN THE FUCK UP and ask for their number. This dating thing was easy the whole time...I just made it into something much more complicated than it needed to be.

So it looks like there might be a new character in the story. I will call her Capri Pants (she looked really good in those too).

Amazing how easy somethings can be when you just let them be easy...

A Bit on My Fate

So, this week I got accepted to grad school at:

-The Academy of Art University in San Francisco.
-The University of Washington in Seattle.
-Arizona State University in Tempe.

I got rejected from SCI Arch in Los Angeles.

I'm still waiting on Berkeley, UCLA, and California State Polytechnic.

I wonder how this will all unfold...

My Date With Long Hair

So, on Thursday I went to a local museum with Long Hair. I did a bit of an experiment and layed on some heavy kino (physical touch). I was really surprised by how receptive women can be when you just take the lead. I reach over to give her a hug and she hugs me back. I give her a little bump with my elbow and she bumps me back.

Afterward, I suggest that we go get some dinner at a nearby restaurant and we get into a fun, flirty conversation (thanks to some conversation skills I picked up from Charisma Arts). I then walk her back to her car, and as we're saying good bye, she jumps up and kisses me.

This may sound pathetic, but that was my first kiss in about a year. I had forgotten how nice warm lips can feel when their pressed against yours. I'm a little glad that she took the initiative and kissed me because for some reason I have trouble going in for the kiss myself. I don't know if it's some kind of fear of rejection or sexual shame, but there's something holding me back.

Also, I have trouble opening my mouth and spitting out an SOI (show of interest ala Charisma Arts). Probably for the same reason. I see clear opportunities to tell her she's sexy, but I just can't get the words out...

Over all, I'd say I did a good job. The relationship (if you want to call it that) has been escalated a bit. I also found some sticking points I need to work through.

Assignment: The "Hello" Exercise

This week's assignment:

So, to help get me out of my shell, my assignment for this week is to say "hello" to at least three strangers every day. This may seem like an overly simplistic first step, but such is the Kaizen way.

So far I have found that about half of the people will ignore me. The other half will give me a flat, curt greeting. Every once in awhile someone will respond warmly.

Cast of Characters

Right now in my life, I have one close friend. I will probably be writing about him from time to time, so I will call him the Musician, since that is one of his hobbies. He lives about an hour's drive away from me though, so we don't hang out too often.

I also have a handful of loose acquaintances from my days in college. I see them sporadically.

I guess you could say I am dating a girl right now. I met her at a party a few weeks ago and we've been out twice so far. I will call her Long Hair. (Making up names for people is kind of fun!) She is not really the hottest girl, but she is definitely growing on me--we have a lot in common.

I have two roommates. BMW is a young professional guy. Him and I used to be pretty close, but he got a girlfriend about a year ago, and now all he does is spend time with her. As far as I can tell, he is just isolating himself from his friends right now and collecting expensive electronics and German cars. Even though I live with him, I rarely see him.

My other roommate is Ms. Negative. She talks on the phone all the time (literally). Since she's always on the phone, I never get to talk to her directly. I only hear snippets of her conversations with God-knows-who about how terrible every aspect of life is. I don't like being around her.

Those are the characters in my life right now.

An Introduction

All my life I have been a terribly shy person. Growing up I had few friends and, if it weren't for a few very aggressive girls in my past, I would have no love life at all.

Well, it's time I stepped up and took control of my social life. I am here to document my progress in the social arena and share any thoughts or ideas I have along the way. Also, I hope a few people will stop by and kick my ass if I try to give up or start acting like a wussy.

I'm a big believer in the philosophy of Kaizen - the art of continuous, incremental improvement. Kaizen focuses on stacking very small achievements on top of each other. These small achievements begin to snowball, and soon massive shifts begin to occur in your life. I first learned about Kaizen by reading One Small Step Can Change Your Life: The Kaizen Way by Robert Maurer.

I feel like I'm starting with a fairly blank slate. From Autumn 2006 to February, I was living as a hermit, locked in my room filling out grad school applications. During that time I alienated myself from just about all of my social circles. Well, I'm done with my applications now, and I'm realizing that when I go to grad school I will be starting my life from nothing. I will have to make new friends and find ways to meet new girls. The next few months are a training ground for me to learn some social skills and change myself from a shy, lonely guy to a charismatic, affable stud!

I studied some PUA stuff last summer (mainly the Juggler Method - www.charismaarts.com).
I am also currently in a men's therapy group teaching assertiveness, masculinity, and confidence lead by Dr. Robert Glover (a locally famous guy that wrote the book No More Mr. Nice Guy - www.nomoremrniceguy.com)

So this is where I am starting my journey from. We'll see how far I can get before I pack up my entire life this September and move off to some yet-to-be-determined city to start anew and put everything I have learned to the test.