Making New Friends

So, on Monday I made two new friends. After my roommate (BMW) and I finished our workout at the gym, he asks me if I would like to grab a drink at a happy hour event that some of his coworkers are meeting at to celebrate one of them that just quit the company.

I agree to go and we arrive at the bar a few blocks down the street. My roommate and I end up talking to the girl that just quit and her boyfriend. One thing I'm beginning to notice is that us guys tend to talk about really boring things...real estate...computers...engineering...the stock market...If you pay attention you can see the women's eyes glaze over in boredom.

So I tried steering the conversation to something more fun. "So, why did you quit?" She gives me some answer about career growth or whatever. "Don't give me your politically correct reason. You don't work there anymore. Give me all the dirt! You just couldn't stand working with this guy anymore, huh? [I reach over and give BMW a little nudge]"

That worked! Her eyes light up. She engages back into the conversation. Her and BMW started telling us all their funny office stories. It's pretty amazing how much something small and simple like that can really change the whole tone of a conversation.

Anyway, I exchange business cards with her before we part that night.

The next day I sent her a quick e-mail: "Hey L___! It was fun meeting you and your boyfriend S___ last night. We'll have to hang out again sometime soon. Oh! and good luck on your new job!"

So I guess I made two new friends, which I haven't done in awhile. Her and her boyfriend like Mexican cooking, so I'll call them Salsa Girl and Salsa Boy.

A Coffee Date with Capri Pants

I arranged to meet Capri Pants at a tea house in an old historic building in town on Sunday. I got there early and took a quick lap around the block to pull myself together and get into a good chatty mood.

I walk through the front door ten minutes early. As soon as I enter, I see Capri Pants waving at me with a big smile on her face. She is wearing a black coat with jeans and a pair of white high-heel shoes. She is wearing makeup and lipstick as well as fancy dangly earrings. I feel strange thinking that such an attractive woman went to the trouble of putting on makeup just to see me. I go up to her and she sticks out her hand to shake mine...I blow past that and give her a warm hug (taking the lead). I thought about giving her a kiss on the cheek european-style, but I chicken out.

Her and I go up to the counter and I order a pot of tea for us as we exchange pleasantries. We sit down and get into a conversation. She is a bit shy and reserved, so I had to work a little harder than usual. I got her to open up a bit and did a few flirty things. After a few minutes she takes off her coat. She is wearing a very nice black blouse. She leans in toward me. I must be captivating her.

I tried a push/pull just for the fun of it:

Kaizen: I hate to tell you this...(pause)...but you're making me into a liar.
Capri Pants: What do you mean?
Kaizen: Last week I told you that I've never been to a musical. Well, here I am about to go to one tonight.
Capri Pants: No way! Which one?

(The conversation turns to musicals and such...)

Okay...maybe not the best push/pull, but I'm still learning.

After about an hour or so I get the sense that I'll be running out of things to talk about soon. We are just about out of tea. I pour her a final cup from our now-empty pot. I keep the conversation going a bit longer. I figure I'll leave when she finishes the last of her tea. She must have been reading my mind or something because she wasn't touching her tea.

Finally I decide to end it and I say something like, "Well, I need to be leaving. I have to get ready for the musical tonight." We stand up. She downs the last of her tea in one final gulp.

I walk her to her car. She thanks me for buying the tea. I promise to tell her about the musical. We hug again. She doesn't try the handshake this time. I chicken out again with the kiss.

Overall, I'd say it was a pretty good coffee date. I ended it at the right time while the conversation was still going pretty well. I found out some good interests of hers. I need to get past this whole kissing thing that's holding me up though.

That night, after the musical I went to, I sent her a quick text message: "Hey, it was fun talking with you today. We'll have to do this again sometime. I need to tell you about the musical too..."

Now I need to think of something else to do with her.

Oh, this is Date #2 in my 12 in 12 challenge.

Update on Long Hair and Ideas on Working a Party as an Introvert

Well, I've been very busy lately. I have a lot to post about, so I'll try to get all that up in the next few days.

A mutual friend of Long Hair and I had a party last weekend in my home town. Long Hair and I met up before the party and had dinner at a Mexican restaurant I used to go to a lot back in high school. We had some good conversation over dinner about our high school experiences.

After that we went to the party. Due to the speedy service at the restaurant, we got to the party early. At the beginning of the party, I was very fun and sociable. But as the party wore on I started to shut down a bit more.

I'm beginning to realize that I truly am an introvert. I think the best strategy for going to a party is to start out high-energy and fun. Then as the party goes on, I should try to isolate myself with one or two other people and get into a more in-depth conversation. That way, as my energy starts to fade, I can shift to making a more meaningful connection with a few select people. This is the way for an introvert like me to effectively work a party or social situation.

Anyway, the party didn't break up into separate groups of people--just one big group of people telling loud, lewd stories. So I don't feel like I was keeping up as the night wore on. Also, since the party didn't break into a series of small groups, I couldn't really isolate Long Hair either to make out with her or anything like that. I just had to settle for banter and some innocent touching.

I also did a half-assed SOI. Long Hair took off a flower tiara thing she was wearing and put it on my head. I knew that if I kept it there, I would be giving her the frame. So I took it off my head and put it back on her saying, "You can't put that on me! Besides, it looks much cuter on you." Argh!!! Sexy...the word is SEXY. Well, at least I spit it out even if I didn't do it properly.

But at least I learned my lesson. It looks like I'll have another shot this weekend. We're going to be doing some stuff on Saturday. I suggested she bring one of her favorite DVDs over so we can watch it together. We'll see how that goes.

Oh, and this was Date #1 in my 12 in 12 challenge.

12 in 12

Good grief! Now I've done it!

At my therapy group, I committed to the "12 in 12" challenge. Go on 12 dates in 12 weeks with 12 different women just to practice dating. I can think of 2 girls I can date--Long Hair and Capri Pants--but other than that, I have no idea where I'll meet 10 other girls...

"But, Kaizen," you may say, "how will this be different from all those other 'committments' you've made in the past that you've given up on?" Well, I've actually made the committment to real, physical people...not just a few anonymous names on the internet. Giving up on this will be a lot harder...but that's good, because I need to push myself.

So...here goes nothing. You can join me too, if you have the inclination.

(What have I gotten myself into...)

Accepting Invitations

I remember a long time ago, I was feeling lonely and I heard some good advice: You'd be surprised how many people actually invite you to do things with them. We're just used to turning people down because we're too judgmental of them or because we're too enamored with our own loneliness. For the next week or month (I can't remember which it was) accept every offer that someone makes you...even if you don't particularly like them.

When that dweeby guy in accounting asks you if you'd like to run down to the deli with him at lunch, take him up on it.

Next time your shut-in friend asks you to come over and play Xbox with him, take him up on it.

The point is to get you out doing things. Miracles happen when you're out in the real world, not watching TV at home. Who knows, maybe that guy in accounting has a hot sister. Also just getting out and socializing gets you used to interacting with other people and you can begin to hone your social skills in a fairly safe setting.

This is something I've adopted a few years ago. Now it's more or less ingrained into me. I've developed a new belief, which is that I can do everything and attend every event. Sure, it sometimes takes a little strategic juggling, but it has helped me become more social. My apologies to Nancy Reagan, but "JUST SAY YES!"

Phone Anxiety and Fear Management

So, I figure I had to call Capri Pants...the only problem is I have intense phone anxiety. For some reason making calls is hard for me to do...not just to girls, but anyone I don't know very well.

I tried some of the sage advice out there and called up a good friend of mine, the Musician, to get into a talkative mood before I called her. I shot the shit with him for a bit. We had some good fun.

Then I called up Long Hair to schedule a date with her (Hell, I might as well call both girls while I'm at it). Calling her was pretty easy since I was so focused on calling Capri Pants. I got her voice mail though so I'll have to call her back later.

By now I was feeling pretty good. I was a little scared still but not so much. I called Capri Pants and we chatted for a minute or two and then I set up a coffee date for Sunday. She was pretty giggly. I wonder if she was nervous...

The thing I noticed is that calling Long Hair was easy because my fear was distracted by something I thought was bigger. So I think the way to work around this is to figure out a way to stack the deck so there's something bigger than calling a girl to worry about. Maybe decide that after you call a girl, you're going to march into your boss' office and ask for a raise. Or call her up right before you have to give some kind of important speech. Just decide to do something that you feel more fear toward...then act. This will distract your fear so you're not focusing so much fear on the other things you need to do.

Give it a try!

Assignment: Blurting

One thing that I learned last summer when I was first getting over my shyness, is that it's okay to just open up your mouth and let out all those silly thoughts bouncing around in your head. This was really the first mental barrier that I broke through.

It's okay to tell someone with a cool T-shirt, "Hey, that's a cool T-shirt."

It's okay to see someone carrying a big box and say, "So, what's in the box?"

It's okay to overhear a bit of a conversation and say, "I don't mean to eavesdrop, but I couldn't help but hear that you work at XYZ."

I don't know if this kind of thing has any sort of cute-sy PUA name or not, but I'm just going to call it "blurting." So my assignment for this week is to practice blurting whenever a situation presents itself--also continue saying "hello" to three people a day. Living in isolation for the autumn and winter has really atrophied my social skills.

Capri Pants

I went to a party at a friend's condo last night. I ended up somehow talking to a really attractive girl. Physically, she is my absolute ideal woman! She seemed pretty shy and reserved, so I couldn't easily tell if she was interested or not. I got her to tell me some of her life stories. English is not her first language, so she seemed to get a little confused whenever I tried to take the conversation in a silly, flirty direction.

Anyway, people start leaving as the night rolls on. Her and I are the last two guests there. We get up and say good bye to the host. As we're leaving the building, I offer to walk her to her car. She politely declines.

So as we're standing in front of the building about to part ways, I notice she's lingering a bit longer than people normally do when they say good bye. I started to get a thought: "She's probably waiting for me to ask for her phone number, but what if..."

Before I could finish that thought with some kind of limiting belief, I found myself reaching into my pocket and pulling out my cell phone. Then I open my mouth and somehow the following words fall out: "It was really fun talking with you tonight, R____. We should hang out sometime. What's your number?"

She gives me her number. I call the number on the spot and her purse starts to ring (Not a fake number!). "There. Now you have my number too," I add. We go through how to spell each others' names and we part.

I was so shocked that I actually pulled that off that I was literally shaking with excitement on the drive home.

The thing is...after I did this...looking back at all the women I've met over the past year since I became single, I feel a bit frustrated. They were all into me...They were just waiting for me to MAN THE FUCK UP and ask for their number. This dating thing was easy the whole time...I just made it into something much more complicated than it needed to be.

So it looks like there might be a new character in the story. I will call her Capri Pants (she looked really good in those too).

Amazing how easy somethings can be when you just let them be easy...

A Bit on My Fate

So, this week I got accepted to grad school at:

-The Academy of Art University in San Francisco.
-The University of Washington in Seattle.
-Arizona State University in Tempe.

I got rejected from SCI Arch in Los Angeles.

I'm still waiting on Berkeley, UCLA, and California State Polytechnic.

I wonder how this will all unfold...

My Date With Long Hair

So, on Thursday I went to a local museum with Long Hair. I did a bit of an experiment and layed on some heavy kino (physical touch). I was really surprised by how receptive women can be when you just take the lead. I reach over to give her a hug and she hugs me back. I give her a little bump with my elbow and she bumps me back.

Afterward, I suggest that we go get some dinner at a nearby restaurant and we get into a fun, flirty conversation (thanks to some conversation skills I picked up from Charisma Arts). I then walk her back to her car, and as we're saying good bye, she jumps up and kisses me.

This may sound pathetic, but that was my first kiss in about a year. I had forgotten how nice warm lips can feel when their pressed against yours. I'm a little glad that she took the initiative and kissed me because for some reason I have trouble going in for the kiss myself. I don't know if it's some kind of fear of rejection or sexual shame, but there's something holding me back.

Also, I have trouble opening my mouth and spitting out an SOI (show of interest ala Charisma Arts). Probably for the same reason. I see clear opportunities to tell her she's sexy, but I just can't get the words out...

Over all, I'd say I did a good job. The relationship (if you want to call it that) has been escalated a bit. I also found some sticking points I need to work through.

Assignment: The "Hello" Exercise

This week's assignment:

So, to help get me out of my shell, my assignment for this week is to say "hello" to at least three strangers every day. This may seem like an overly simplistic first step, but such is the Kaizen way.

So far I have found that about half of the people will ignore me. The other half will give me a flat, curt greeting. Every once in awhile someone will respond warmly.

Cast of Characters

Right now in my life, I have one close friend. I will probably be writing about him from time to time, so I will call him the Musician, since that is one of his hobbies. He lives about an hour's drive away from me though, so we don't hang out too often.

I also have a handful of loose acquaintances from my days in college. I see them sporadically.

I guess you could say I am dating a girl right now. I met her at a party a few weeks ago and we've been out twice so far. I will call her Long Hair. (Making up names for people is kind of fun!) She is not really the hottest girl, but she is definitely growing on me--we have a lot in common.

I have two roommates. BMW is a young professional guy. Him and I used to be pretty close, but he got a girlfriend about a year ago, and now all he does is spend time with her. As far as I can tell, he is just isolating himself from his friends right now and collecting expensive electronics and German cars. Even though I live with him, I rarely see him.

My other roommate is Ms. Negative. She talks on the phone all the time (literally). Since she's always on the phone, I never get to talk to her directly. I only hear snippets of her conversations with God-knows-who about how terrible every aspect of life is. I don't like being around her.

Those are the characters in my life right now.

An Introduction

All my life I have been a terribly shy person. Growing up I had few friends and, if it weren't for a few very aggressive girls in my past, I would have no love life at all.

Well, it's time I stepped up and took control of my social life. I am here to document my progress in the social arena and share any thoughts or ideas I have along the way. Also, I hope a few people will stop by and kick my ass if I try to give up or start acting like a wussy.

I'm a big believer in the philosophy of Kaizen - the art of continuous, incremental improvement. Kaizen focuses on stacking very small achievements on top of each other. These small achievements begin to snowball, and soon massive shifts begin to occur in your life. I first learned about Kaizen by reading One Small Step Can Change Your Life: The Kaizen Way by Robert Maurer.

I feel like I'm starting with a fairly blank slate. From Autumn 2006 to February, I was living as a hermit, locked in my room filling out grad school applications. During that time I alienated myself from just about all of my social circles. Well, I'm done with my applications now, and I'm realizing that when I go to grad school I will be starting my life from nothing. I will have to make new friends and find ways to meet new girls. The next few months are a training ground for me to learn some social skills and change myself from a shy, lonely guy to a charismatic, affable stud!

I studied some PUA stuff last summer (mainly the Juggler Method - www.charismaarts.com).
I am also currently in a men's therapy group teaching assertiveness, masculinity, and confidence lead by Dr. Robert Glover (a locally famous guy that wrote the book No More Mr. Nice Guy - www.nomoremrniceguy.com)

So this is where I am starting my journey from. We'll see how far I can get before I pack up my entire life this September and move off to some yet-to-be-determined city to start anew and put everything I have learned to the test.